Believe with all of your heart that you will do what you were made to do.
-Orison Swett Marden
i kind of feel like i am about to burst at the seams. so much is bundled up inside of me and i just know one of these days it will burst. it has to, right? my heart feels broken. my life, at times, feels broken. but i know that it is not. my heart will heal, and my life is good.
i come here day after day wanting to write about how i feel. but almost every time -- i just sit and stare at my computer screen, not knowing how to express my feelings and thoughts in words.
3 years. it sounds and feels like nothing, but also it sounds and feels like everything.
i can't believe we are here, but well, we are. 3 years in and time just keeps ticking on. and i'm not going to lie, with june marking 3 years of when we first started trying, it has been a tough few months for us. you kind of just learn to live with the hand you're dealt, you live with your new-normal. our new-normal is just me and vince and scout and no babies. and you kind of just live with that, because, what else can you? but there are times i feel swallowed up by this. consumed and overwhelmed. i read a quote someone posted on instagram the other day (the quote is by Nina LaCour from Hold Still) and it hit me hard:
"the sun stopped shining for me is all. the whole story is: i am sad. i am sad all the time and the sadness is so heavy that i can't get away from it. not ever".
and while, this may not be how i feel all the time... i feel the heaviness in every ounce of my body. i am still able to laugh and smile and find joy, but the sadness is there too. the longing. the heartache. they are always there.
this weekend was a sweet one. nothing big or exciting happened, but it was time spent as our little trio. lots of scout and vince and mary time. we spoiled our pup rotten, loved on her as much as she'd let us. played with her and sat outside with her while she ran around. it was so very nice. i love our little trio. and i know i will always be grateful for the time we have together as just the three of us. i'm grateful for these times of happiness and laughter, that even though we are sad we can also be so very ridiculously happy.
we are in a tricky in-between phase right now. there are so many details that go in to this, but the plain and simple truth of it is... we are in limbo... taking an un-official break from it all. my regular OB has stopped treating us and referred us to a specialist. but to spare you all the boring details -- we cannot afford to go to the specialist at this time. so here we are, on our own, doing the best we can with the hand we've been dealt.
9 comments:
{{{{{SUPER BIG FAT HUG}}}}}
While we have two kiddos, so I can't relate entirely, I do have an inkling of what you are feeling. We are going on 18 months of trying and I feel that same sadness, that same longing, and I have been consumed by it too. It's harder than anything I could have imagined, and each month I see a negative means one more month of pain and heartache (since I have some health issues we aren't treating so I can have another). Anyway, I've learned that there really aren't words that make it better, just the thought that there are people out there who understand how you are feeling. I pray for you guys! :)
My husband and I are a year behind you. I hold onto the truth that Heavenly Father sees the bigger picture and knows what struggles and blessings we need at this moment in our lives. Thinking of you. Xx.
It took my husband and I 3 years. The pain of infertility can be unbearable at times. I always just held really tight to my faith in heavenly father's plan for us. I know that doesn't help much, but I can definitely tell you you aren't alone in your trials and feelings.
Mary I love you!! I know how you feel!! And don't give up!! I know the sad feeling and feeling like what is the Point of all of this. I sometimes feel guilty that we were blessed with little c. Because I have a few friends and family that struggle with this rotten trial. One thing I always remembered after getting angry and feeling sad, was the love my heavenly father had for me and trying to understand this is his plan and it will all fall into place when it's time. Which I know is always hard to remember. Luckily you have an amazing husband!! You should talk to sarah. She has been through a lot of this same stuff. 9 years of trying. She has helped me so much. But we love you and you are in our prayers!
Oh Mary, I feel your heartbreak and as I sit here crying my own heart breaks a little for you. No one can know all of the hope and dreams that you have in your heart. I do not know why some people are blessed to be able to have little ones right away and others of us are blessed to wait. I only know that we each have our Heavenly Father's and our Savior Jesus Christ's love to be with us always. I am so glad you have a sweet husband as well. It is marvelous to be married to your best friend. We waited 17 years for our little Jonny and I am still amazed that we got him. I'd love to get together with you if you want to. Send me a Facebook message. Know that you are not alone in your struggles even though it may seem so when your heart is hurting. Love and hugs, Molly Howes Barrington
I love you. SO.MUCH.
Mary. You are wonderful. I know there isn't much I can do, but for what it is worth, I pray for you and Vince and ever since that day I emailed you, every time I go to the temple, I add your name to the prayer roll. It is kind of weird how emotionally involved I feel in your situation. I guess it is because I know you will be an amazing mother, and I want that for you. In the meantime, hugs and loves your way friend!
Thinking of you sweet girl. I don't have any words besides infertility sucks. My husband and I dealt with a similar kind (recurrent miscarriage) and although we have our little miracle now, I am terrified to see what the future holds for us when it comes to losing more pregnancies. All we can do is trust in Heavenly Father and hope for the best. HUGS TO YOU <3
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