a little more detail, part 5: the ending of this chapter

parts one, two, three, and four

i wasn't feeling as nervous for this appointment. first of all, vince was there at my side. but also, it felt like we were on the cusp of something good. as it had the last time i met with my doctor, it felt like we were turning pages and actually getting somewhere. progress! answers! so, we sat and talked with my doctor. she confirmed that yes, i had PCOS. actually in her words "oh yeah, you've got it. you've got it BAD." ugh. so, while that wasn't exactly what i wanted to hear, it was still nice to have the actual official diagnosis. that way we can start treating it and getting it more under control. we talked about my past treatments and medications and came up with a game plan. this was in may.

june was the first month we were on the new medication routine (same medicines as before, just higher dosages). june also marked the 2 year anniversary of when we first starting trying. and what do ya know, at the end of that first cycle -- we got a positive ovulation test! the first one we had ever gotten in the entire two years previous of trying. when i saw the two lines, i was in shock and ran out to vince to show him and have him confirm they were there and that i wasn't crazy. we hugged, and cheered, and cried. i can't express how happy and relieved i felt at those two lines. when meeting with my new doctor the october before this it felt like we were finally moving in the right direction. but this. this! it felt like were starting fresh, starting over.

june and july we got positive ovulations, but no positive pregnancy tests. and honestly, we were ok with that. we were just so grateful we were starting to see results. we'd been trying for 2 years with nothing but disappointment left and right, nothing had gone our way (does it ever?! ha!) but this time was different. we had turned a new leaf. we let my doctor know the results of bumping up the meds, and since i wasn't pregnant yet we had two options: 1. we could try a procedure called an IUI with my doctor or 2. they would refer me to a fertility specialist. we decided to try the IUI with my doctor... we thought it might be a cheaper option since my insurance doesn't cover any fertility treatments. so, while the actual procedure we'd have to pay out of pocket -- we didn't know if there would have been other costs with a specialist as opposed to my OB. at this point, we had almost maxed out our flex account and with vince working part time we just didn't have any extra money for any other treatments or procedures other than the IUI.

so, august we waited to see if ovulated. and nothing. the problem was that i had stopped all my meds (why oh why?!) due to a miss-communication with my doctor. my prescriptions all ran out at the end of my cycle in july and she made it seem like she wasn't going to refill them. so naturally, i didn't ovulate in august. just picture me in tears at the end of that month. i was so frustrated and tired of it all. i'm not good at this medical stuff. i don't know what i'm doing! i was just feeling absolutely beyond frustrated. so, the plan was to get me back on the medicine's and we'd try again. once i got the positive ovulation we were suppose to call my doctor and we'd set up a time the next day to come in for the IUI. well, september i didn't ovulate either even with being back on my meds. october was more of the same. i think it was due to that one month of being completely off everything, my body was just taking its sweet time figuring out what to do again.

november came and brought us happy news: positive ovulation! we got the positive sign on a sunday, so i called monday morning first thing to hopefully be able to schedule a time for that afternoon that we could come in for the procedure. luckily, when the nurse called me back they were able to schedule a time that afternoon for us to come in. my doctor was off, so i had an on-call doctor i'd never met before do the procedure... it was a bummer it couldn't have been my doctor, but we liked the doctor who did it, he was very nice and a Ute fan (so naturally, we liked him from the get-go!). my doctors nurse was able to be there with us and assisted the doctor, which was really nice because we've met with her at all our other appointments, and she is the one i always talk to on the phone when i call in with questions and such. it was a quick procedure and both the doctor and our nurse said it went well and was looking good. all we had to do was now wait to find out the results (ugh! the waiting!). we had asked our families to pray for us that day, and i can't tell you much that meant to us to have them do that. we felt every single one of those prayers too. such a special day. our families have been amazing through all this. we are so blessed.

our plan was to wait until dec 6th to take a pregnancy test if i hadn't had my period yet. sunday december 1st came, and right on schedule (for someone on a a normal/regular 28 day cycle) so did my period. of course this time my period would start all on its own and right when it was supposed to. when i told vince, i just sobbed in to his shoulder. we both had tried to be very careful about being too hopeful... but i think we both thought this was our time, that this would be it. it was a tough pill to swallow. so, here we are. at a crossroad. the end of this first chapter and on to the next. such is life, i guess. we are still talking about all our options and working out the logistics and details and hopes and dreams and fears.

writing this out has been such a huge form of therapy for me. i cannot tell you how much i appreciate all your support (having to deal with most of my posts being about this journey) in this all. i've been thinking a lot lately about why i chose to write all this on such a public forum. to share such personal and intimate details of our life! there are several reasons really. one, i am obsessed with recording my life, the details, the ins & outs, the big & small. i don't want to forget these things. but more importantly i feel this intense urgency to share these details because maybe, just maybe it will help someone else out. we all have struggles + trials, they range from infertility or miscarriages, divorce or not marrying, loss of jobs, loss of loved ones and relationships, depression, etc. and all of these can be such isolating experiences.  you are not alone. i repeat: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. if i can help even just one person, then i consider this all worth it.