i have about one bajillion drafts right now just waiting to be finished up and published... for whatever reason it has been really hard for me to blog recently. i always have so much i want to say and write... but it is not always easy for me to actually put it out there on the blog. my girl petrice has inspired me to just do it already! so, i'm just combining a bunch of posts together that i have just sitting. (also, the ironic thing about this post is... i started it back in june after i read petrice's post, and am just now publishing it!)
more than life (posted to instagram on june 23, 2014)
belief in the breeze,
belief in the breeze,
the smoky morning haze.
the sun on her face,
and the touch of lovers' hands.
the pain that comes today,
is here, then goes away.
and we are homeward bound,
and i,
i want this more than life.
to touch something real,
will help your wounds heal.
like the sun on your face,
the dreams of starry nights.
and we are homeward bound,
and i,
i want this more than life.
i want this more than life.
{whitley, more than life}
---
it's monday and its just one of those days... i'm tired and this is going to be one crazy week for me. this song always gets me, every word feels like its straight from my own heart. i'm just feeling all the feelings today. i'm trying to allow myself to feel those feelings too, instead of pushing them aside. life is hard and crazy and beautiful and amazing and i'm trying my best eady day to embrace that.
day after mothers day (written may 12, 2014)
i hope you all had a wonderful mother's day! i know i did!
the last several years this has been a holiday i have dreaded and just wanted to avoid all together. i hated living that way and it just made me sad that a day that was meant to be so special and to honor those beautiful woman around me was just such a hard day for me. even in the months this year leading up to may i started to get that pit in my stomach that this was just another year where i wasn't a mother. but i didn't want to feel that way, i didn't want to be miserable. so, i made a decision. i decided that i wasn't going to allow myself to be sad. i was going to choose happiness, instead. and what a huge difference that made! making that conscious decision to be happy made all the difference. i felt so much joy and love and gratitude yesterday. it was so very good.
so, to all those who are mothers or who are mother figures for others -- i honor you and cherish you and LOVE you! you inspire me and push me to be better every day. i feel so blessed with the women in my life.
i am divergent (written june 19, 2014)
****this post has spoilers from the books, so if you haven't read it and want to, maybe come back to this post after or just be prepared to have the story spoiled. don't say i didn't warn you!****
oh. my. goodness.
so, forever ago vince read this series (that at the time there were only 2 of the 3 books out yet i believe) called Divergent. and he told me i should read them too. but for whatever reason, i just never got around to. i love to read, i just don't do it very often (because i get really sucked in to it and can't function unless i'm reading the book). we went and saw the first movie earlier this year, and i LOVED it. like, one of my favorite movies i've seen this year (and i've seen some good ones!). but again, i just kept saying how i should read the books and then never got around to it.
welp, i started divergent on tuesday and finished it by wednesday. it was so good. and the nice thing was, that even though i saw the movie months ago -- i didn't remember some of the very best details. the entire time i couldn't remember if tobias aka four was divergent or not. and it drove me crazy and was just so fun that i couldn't remember! so one of my FAVORITE parts was when they are in the train and all the other dauntless are in their sleepwalking-state and she thinks they have tobias too -- then he grabs her hand. YESSSS! so great.
v.mars (written june 20, 2014)a few weeks ago (maybe last month? i don't remember anymore) vince started watching the tv show Veronica Mars on Amazon Prime. i joined him a few episodes in to the the first season, and we were both hooked. we couldn't get enough! it only lasted 3 seasons (so sad!) but there was also a movie (brought about by a sweet kickstarter campaign!), and we just finished the series and the movie this week. we don't know what to do with ourselves anymore!!! we are going through some serious withdrawals. at night, one of us will suggest to the other "hey lets watch an episode of veronica mars" and then we both silently weep together. it's sad, folks.
if you haven't watched it before, you should. it's witty and interesting and intense and LOGAN ECHOLLS! team logan for life. i'll tell ya, i missed the first few episodes (which i've heard you just don't like him then) but from the first episode i watched, i was sold on logan. no duncan, no piz for me. logan + veronica FOREVER! :) it's fun to be a teenage girl sometimes. but seriously, logan was a rad character. he was funny, cute, and a total bad boy who could beat the crap out of anyone (and he usually did). but also veronica (kristen bell, how can you NOT love her?!) was a great character too. and her dad keith mars! and schmidt from new girl is on it! and so many other awesome cameos and celebs and fun characters. we are definitely "marshmallows" now!
my running lifesaver (written april 28, 2014)
no title (written april 4, 2014)
i've been thinking a lot lately. life is hard, no? it is also beautiful and hilarious and full and happy and challenging. but i tend to really focus on the hard. it is something i've been trying to change in me for a long time. the other day i was given a fortune cookie by a co-worker and it said success is being at peace with yourself. it struck me and i've been thinking about those words since. my 20's (especially the last half of my 20's) has been full of turmoil and well, i can't think of the right word to really describe it, really. but they've been hard, internally. in the last few years i have really yearned to be at peace with myself. with who i am and who i am becoming. i've been trying hard to be ok with me and stop being so hard on myself all the time.
glimpses (written november 20, 2013)
there are moments in life that as they are happening i wish that i could just hit record, so i can return back to it and relive it any time i want. mostly, it is little things that happen. last night for instance .... vince was working on some homework and it was getting late, so scout and i went to bed. on nights like this, i let scouty come and snooze on the bed with me until vince comes and then he will take her to her crate for the night. when he came in, he gave her some snuggles and hugs and then so gently picked her up and carried her out of our room to her crate. such a simple thing. but -- as it was happening, i got this picture of our future: of vince as a dad. of him carrying our babies to bed so gently and tenderly. it was so sweet.
vince the great (written 8.19.13)
a few weeks ago i was having a particularly tough day. i was feeling really sad and just kind of lost. vince and i went to lunch and i kind of just broke down. he took my hand, looked me in the eye and asked, almost pleading me, to hang in there with him. he told me he knew it would be soon, but that we just needed to stick it out together. man, i honestly don't know how i got such a good one.
and then last night, vince and i knelt down together at our bed in prayer. i asked vince if he would say it because i knew i needed his words to give me strength. you see, we had a family fast yesterday... asking everyone on both sides of our family to join us in fasting and prayer while we go through this journey. i felt emotional all day, and knew i wouldn't be able to get through a prayer or to say the right things. and once again, vince pulled through. his words were beautiful and so sweet and from the heart. i never want to forget that feeling i had... the love i felt for him at the moment was about to burst out of me. being next to your best friend and to hear them pray for you is just one of the best things ever. i wish i could remember every single word he said because i'd keep it and pull it out on bad days to just read it over and over. instead, i will just cherish the feelings i had and pull those memories out when i need them.
reality (written august 5, 2013)
i think one of the hardest things about dealing with fertility stuff is dealing with the loss of what i thought my life would be like at this point. by 28, i thought for sure i'd have kids. its hard for me to see people around my age with little ones. i almost lost it the other day in the grocery store when i saw a girl who had to be within a few years of my own age (i couldn't tell... but probably middle to late 20's) and had a handful of kids in tow. it almost broke my heart. day by day, i am generally fine. but the reality of our situation smacks me in the face sometimes.
waves (written 4.24.13)
lots of things having to do with trying get pregnant remind me of waves.
each month is a ride out at sea... starting out hopeful and excited and ending in disappointment and pain.
waves up and down, month after month.
it also feels like the pregnancy announcements come in waves too. all is quiet for awhile and then BOOM everyone and their dog is making the announcement. as if the universe is pointing it's finger and laughing at me and my seemingly healthy but obviously broken body. and while i am genuinely happy for these beautiful and deserving woman, i can't help but be reminded of what i don't have. no baby growing inside of me. no baby in my arms, against my chest, nestled in close.
my love for boston (written 2013)
My love for Boston goes back to the spring of 2003. I went there when I was younger too, but I don't remember much of that trip (other than the taxi in front of us on a one way street decided he wanted to stop for some coffee so he just parked IN the road, blocking us and everyone behind us!). But I remember that trip in 2003 (it was 10 years ago this Spring!) it was the trip where Boston stole a chunk of my heart. We went there for our senior choir trip, me and 100 of my closest friends. To say it was a blast is a complete understatement. I will always cherish Boson.
When I learned about the attacks Monday, the bombs that went off at the Boston marathon, my heart sank. I thought about it all afternoon. On my train ride home from work I wept as I read different news articles. I felt so sad! Before I knew much about the events Vince had text me to tell me that most of the injured where spectators -- loved ones of the runners who were there to cheer on their family & friends! I couldn't help but think of all the people who have come to my different races to cheer me on, and how I've been there cheering Vince on at so many races this past year. And my heart sank even more.
I was almost 17 when September 11th happened, and honestly I don't think at that time I was able to grasp the full magnitude of that situation. Sure I was devastated and shocked and sad and scared, but I felt disconnected from the events because they were so far away from me and I didn't know anyone directly affected. As I've gotten older, I feel like Heavenly Father has allowed me to feel more deeply and now that I'm older and more mature, stories like this really get to me.
But! From this tragedy I had something reaffirmed for me. There is so much more good in the world, than bad. I read on twitter this quote from Paul Kozlowski "...seconds after the explosions, you see hundreds of people running TOWARDS the carnage to help. not away." Amazing! The Red Cross had to turn people away from donating blood. Lots of runners ran all the way to the nearest hospitals straight from finishing the race to donate too! These are scary times we live in, but I know there is still so much beauty in this world too. We just have to continue having faith
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